Facing the Weight of Fear
This week, I want to share a deeply personal moment—one where the thought of losing weight triggered a powerful emotional response. I was sitting in my home office, talking with my husband about the changes we wanted to make in our lives, when panic set in. It wasn’t the first time I’ve tried to lose weight, but this time I believe it’s different.
Photo By: TheVirtualDenise
You see, over the last two and a half years, I’ve spent time reconnecting with who I want to be. I’ve identified harmful habits, traced them back to their emotional roots, and worked on healing. I’ve been learning to feel my way through this journey, rather than just think my way through it. As an advocate for loving yourself at any size, I believe in embracing who you are. But I’ve also realized that the woman I see in the mirror does not reflect the person I feel on the inside.
I was talking to Nic, when everything shifted. Moments before, I was smiling and happy, but suddenly I felt the weight of fear compressing my chest. It felt like invisible bars were squeezing me, and I couldn’t catch my breath. I’m no stranger to this feeling and have learned to semi-process through it, but this time, the sheer strength of the emotion rising within me was overwhelming.
As shivers of phantom pain worked their way up my back, I realized the conversation about losing weight had triggered something deeply rooted. For years, I had been holding on to this weight to feel safe, but that safety came at the cost of feeling restricted within my own body.
In that moment, I felt an imprint from my past, something that had happened years ago when I was a child. Looking back at photos of myself, I can track the point when my body started putting on weight. It was during a time of rapid change in my family—my stepfather moved in, and my oldest brother, the center of my small world, moved out.
With the fear and phantom pains came a recognition: I had been carrying a deep, instinctive belief that being seen meant being found—and hurt. I can’t pinpoint the exact events that created this imprint, but I’ve come to understand that the details no longer matter. What matters now is the imprint itself and the work I need to do to understand and release it. In the past, I’ve learned to find a quiet place, ask myself what I need, and stay still to truly listen and feel what comes up.
But this isn’t just about recognizing the emotional roots; it’s about addressing the habits that keep holding me back. One recurring challenge I’ve identified is the need to build the “muscle” to say no. When something tempting is presented to me—something that looks good but I know will slow or halt my progress—it’s hard to resist.
Photo By: andriish22
So even if the scale doesn’t reflect a healthier weight right away, I’m committed to flexing that muscle until it becomes strong enough to protect myself from temptation—not just in this journey, but in other areas of my life.
What’s next?
Keeping an open mind as I move forward.
Educating myself on healthy weight-loss methods.
Staying in tune with how different plans make me feel.
Maintaining a strong connection with the woman I’m cultivating inside.
Keeping promises to myself to build inner trust and self-respect.
This journey isn’t just about shedding physical pounds; it’s about letting go of emotional weight and creating habits that empower me. As I move forward, I ask myself one question: What do I truly want and need?
#SelfHealing #EmotionalWellness #WeightLossJourney #SelfLove #PersonalGrowth #InnerStrength #HealthyHabits #MindfulLiving #BodyPositivity #OvercomingFear #Empowerment #MentalHealthAwareness #ReconnectingWithSelf #HealingJourney
