Illuminate Our Shadows
by Deborah Kevin, Aug 09, 2019
In the early 1990s, I lived in Rochester, NY, and Audrey Hepburn’s boyfriend Robert Wolders lived nearby. Every so often, one would hear about an Audrey-sighting, usually at the Irondequoit Mall. Her elegance and grace were inspiring, especially given the circumstances under which she grew up. When she could have been bitter over the losses she’d endured during World War II, she instead chose to focus on beauty and goodness.
One of my favorite Audrey Hepburn quotes is, “For beautiful eyes, see the good in others; for beautiful lips, speak only words of kindness; and for poise, walk with the knowledge that you are never alone.” Her words resonate deeply, but not for the reasons you might expect. External expression, while powerful, holds no candle when applying these ideals to ourselves—and we need that illumination to see ourselves, shadows and all.
See Yourself
How often do you look at yourself? I’m not talking about the quick glance in a mirror as you pass by—I mean really look and with loving eyes? What we notice in the mirror is a reflection of how we feel about ourselves. Do you see your beautiful eyes or focus on your sagging jawline? Do you appreciate your breasts, no longer perky after nursing babies, or long for your pre-pregnancy figure? Are you hypercritical about your waistline and smile lines?
Louise Hay shared in her book You Can Heal Your Life an exercise called the “Mirror Work,” which invites us to look into our own eyes for an extended period, speaking words of appreciation for what we see. An extended version of this includes pausing at every mirror you pass and speak out loud something you appreciate about yourself.
At first, it may feel weird, and that’s normal. After a while, though, you’ll notice the subtle shift in your confidence and centeredness. You’ll know it’s working when you can look at your perceived flaws and feel true gratitude that they’re yours.
Speak Lovingly
I don’t know about you, but I have noticed there’s a soundtrack that plays in my mind. Sometimes, it consists of upbeat 80s one-hit wonders (I’m walkin’ on sunshine) that are easy to dance to.
Then there are times it plays a dirge. On repeat. I picture this recording as a virtual cassette tape, an antiquated device playing outdated scripts. It loops through messages like, “you make poor decisions,” and “who do you think you are?” And these messages don’t serve me.
Sure, I’ve made decisions I’ve regretted, but I’ve learned from them (sometimes there were repeat lessons involved). Through the process of failing, I’ve grown and, on the whole, do make great decisions—sometimes I even use mirror work to remind myself of that!
In Don Miguel Ruiz’s book The Four Agreements, he writes about being impeccable with our words, ALL of our words. He said, “Whenever we hear an opinion and believe it, we make an agreement, and it becomes part of our belief system.” He urges us to avoid using this kind of black magic on ourselves and others.
Words matter and none more than those we speak or think to and about ourselves. Choose them wisely, noticing when the voice inside your head is bullying you. Then lovingly challenge the thought, discarding those that don’t serve you. You’ll be amazed at how light you feel simply by challenging the darkest thoughts hiding in your shadows.
Never Alone
When my youngest son was about two, he declared, “I do it myself” whenever I offered help. That was about the same time his dad and I were going through our divorce. I noticed that I, too, had the “I do it myself” attitude whenever well-meaning friends offered help or support. Because I was operating from a wounded place, I hustled for my worth, to the point of exhaustion and loneliness—not to mention that it kept me stuck in victimhood. Going it alone made the journey to healing much longer than it needed to be—not to mention it was a whole lot less fun.
Fortunately, I learned. Now I surround myself with “faith keepers,” powerful women who remind me of who I am when my own faith falters. Knowing that these women have my back always and in all ways has given me the courage to step out, be seen, and use my unique brilliance to make a difference in our world.
It helps to recall Jim Brickman’s song, Never Alone: So when hard times have found you/And your fears surround you/Wrap my love around you/You’re never alone. When you’re with people who see your dark side and love you unconditionally anyway, you know you’re rich beyond measure.
Don’t Avoid the Shadows
There’s no reason to be afraid of your shadows, they’re a beautiful part of who you are. The more you love yourself, the more you can be fully authentic with others. And to channel Audrey, “They say that love is the best investment; the more you give, you greater your return.” Just make sure your first deposit is in your own account.
You can find out more about Deborah Kevin by visiting deborahkevin.com.
